by Ami the Gutslut
So, you’ve just moved in with your partner. Your guts are all unpacked, you’ve arranged your countless sets of eyeballs on the bookshelf, and you seem to be establishing a rapport with the emo ghoul who stands around groaning in the kitchen. Everything is coming together.
You have yet to befriend your partner’s cat.
Let’s, for the sake of conversation, call this hypothetical step-feline “L.H.” Only for the sake of conversation, of course. Definitely not literal or anything.
Imagine L.H. just moved into this brand new place with brand new people after a very long car ride that no doubt rattled his B O N E S. Now, he’s tired, stressed out, nervous, and frightened.
Obviously, you want to comfort him, but he doesn’t know you yet. He’s never had a step-alien before, and isn’t really sure how it all works. It’s a lot of firsts for everyone involved, but for L.H. especially. Plus, he’s clearly not vibing with the emo ghoul groaning in the kitchen.
Either way, L.H. is your baby now. Here are five ways you, as a step-alien, can bond with your new step-feline.
1. Have Lengthy Staring Contests
You have giant alien eyes. L.H. has giant alien eyes. He won’t stop staring at you. You move your head; he moves his entire body so you’re facing him again. He’s still staring. Then…
Now, this isn’t just any “meow.” This is a very specific type of “meow.” This is the sound of L.H. challenging you to a staring contest.
My darling guts…
Please just recklessly abandon whatever meaningless thing it is you’re doing and accept L.H.’s challenge. In fact, ask yourself why the fuck you haven’t done this already.
What are you waiting for?!
Do great eye battle with L.H. for the next several days or so. If he wins, he’ll be happy. If he loses, he’ll respect you. Either way — giant alien eyes on giant alien eyes is the definition of bonding.
Tip: A super easy way to train for these staring contests is by going somewhere (outer space, perhaps) and staring at random strangers for hours on end. Be sure to take breaks to pour B O N E M I L K into your eyesluts so that they’re always replenished.
2. Have Tea with the Skeletons in Your Closet
We all have skeletons in our closet. That’s why you should introduce your partner’s cat to yours. In fact, speak to the skeletons in advance and ask if they’re willing to have you both over for a nice afternoon tea. You and L.H. can even prepare some B O N E M I L K together and bring it as a polite offering.
Of course, it might seem counterproductive to introduce your respective L.H. to a bunch of skeletons who are far cooler than you, but this is actually a really solid way of showing your step-feline that they have a loving community in their new home, and that you’re just rad enough to be a part of it. Never be afraid to show the new kid around the spaceship.
Moreover, B O N E M I L K tastes fabulous in tea. Of course, your closet skeletons probably won’t even drink tea at said tea since they possess absolutely no semblance of flesh or organs…
But I promise you that L.H. will enjoy making it with you. Cats love that shit. Plus, B O N E M I L K is all the rage these days.
Hell, I buy the readymade organic stuff at the grocery store all the fucking time.
Tip: If one of the skeletons does, in fact, try to drink tea and the liquid comes gushing forth from the hollow space between their B O N E S, don’t stare. They might take it personally. Worse yet, they might think you think you’re better than them just because you have flesh and organs. Ask yourself, “What would a gut do?”
Then, go ahead and do that instead.
3. Scream Back
At some point, you might notice L.H. loves to scream — a lot. Sometimes this occurs in soft, subtle meows. Other times, it presents itself as screeches transcending ranges your alien brain probably already struggles to recognize. Wilder yet, you’re woken up each morning by L.H. screaming for your attention, and making very intense eye contact with you even before you’ve had the chance to fully P E E L your eyelids open.
This behavior continues throughout the day anytime you aren’t petting L.H. You feel bad because as much as you would love to spend your entire life petting L.H. (who you strongly suspect is actually a raccoon), you’re still an alien with important stuff to do.
Now, it’s normal to lament at first — so long as you eventually come to realize that L.H.’s persistent screaming is, in fact, a major bonding opportunity. These things always are. Here’s the thing, though:
L.H. is screaming. WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU SCREAMING BACK?!?!
Come on. Do it. Do it, you fucking coward! SCREEEEEAMMMM at each other for hours on end.
This is a surefire way to become best friends.
Tip: Practice screaming by shrieking like a banshee in public. Don’t forget to steam and inhale a little B O N E M I L K every few hours so your throat remains intact.
4. Conjure Spirits
Nothing says best friends forever like teaming up to summon ghosts from the spirit world.
Invite L.H. to get involved, and make the respective preparations together. Be sure L.H. participates heavily during the ritual, and has plenty of time, space, and confidence to scream incessantly at the ghost. If you play your tarot cards right, L.H. might even challenge your new G H O S T Y F R I E N D to a staring contest.
Moreover, if the estranged spirit determines a sacrifice must be made, ask L.H. who he might like to use as an offering. Ensure he knows just how important his opinion is to you, tell him you believe in him, and send him out into the world to acquire said sacrifice. Then, gasp, gush, and rave over whatever bloodied-up, writhing creature he brings home to you.
Remember — the guts oozing from between his adorable little gory fangs are his way of telling you he loves you, and has finally accepted you into his sweet little feline heart.
Together, you’ll feast upon and sacrifice the beast.
Tip: Let the ghost know in advance that there’s a wittle bby feline involved. EVERYONE — living, dead, and liminal alike — goes gaga for the paws.
5. Attempt to Murder Sims Together
There are exactly three ways this can go down:
1) L.H. decides you’re a loser and peaces out to take a nap somewhere deep in the S H A D O W S,
2) L.H. rests his cute little B O N E S next to you on the couch, and you murder Sims with his support (all the while admiring his tiny little cat skull), OR
3) L.H. stands in front of the television, fully blocking the part of the screen where you can see all your Sims’ names, faces, and present needs. While standing there, he looks you directly in the eye and screams.
In the event the first scenario occurs, give him a little time. He clearly thinks you and your Sims are peasants. Truth be told, you probably are. Regardless, L.H. will come around when he’s ready.
The second instance, meanwhile, provides a tremendous opportunity for you to bond with L.H. over the Sims in a more M U R D E R Y way than you ~might otherwise. Ask him his thoughts on the tactics you’re using to torture your Sims. Once in a while, remind him that his step-alien loves him, and thinks he’s gutslut as fuck.
Finally, and should the third outcome occur, you might be in a little more trouble. The best advice I can give you here is to either stare and scream right back at him, or else simply give up on life altogether.
Tip: Start a new life where you don’t play the Sims. Be sure to take L.H. with you. During your new life, relish the bond you share with your step-feline, and dwell on the fact that the reason you ~suddenly can’t get out of your swimming pool is because G O D wants you dead.